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My thoughts turn depressing today.
I have college debt. So do a lot of people. The knowledge that I am not alone is hardly a comfort here.
I have friends who didn't go to college. They're not super wealthy but they are in many ways more free than I am or will be for the foreseeable future. Many of my debts had to be put in the name of my parents and, because of that, I can't just cry "fuck it" and ignore them like some people are doing. Even more than that, I find myself impossibly jealous of my friends who didn't go to college.
I've been trying to think of the best way to put it all night at work and I came up with this. They can fuck up and not affect anyone else but their own personal self. They can go on tour on a whim in a beat-up van and hope for the best. I have to make sure I have enough money saved up to cover monthly loan bills, make sure I can take vacation time off of work and make sure that I have a job to come back to. I hate it. I feel so fucking trapped where I am.
As soon as I graduated college, even skipping the ceremony itself, I fled to Japan and spent glorious time there playing music, exploring and being free in a language where I could only count on folks in Tokyo to be assuredly able to speak my language. It was wonderful.
I worry that I will never have that free feeling again while I am still young. I am sitting here worried about getting old stuck under a gigantic pile of debt that got me degrees that do nothing for me.
That may be harsh to say. I went to college intending to be a professor of English. I also decided to tack on History and Astrophysics degrees because I had scholarships... All those scholarships died and I was forced to pay full price. Instead of being wise and realizing that all I care about is writing novels and making music, I was stubborn and said that if I began a thing I would sure as fuck finish it. Stupid. Fucking. Mistake.
Now I'm stuck wondering how I will go about what I want. I still want music and writing. That's all I want in my life, career-wise. I don't know any other strategy to take besides to chase the dream anyway. It'll be harder by a lot but that can't stop me. I'm a fool if it stops me. Do I write a novel, sell it, spend all the money from it to try and clear my debt and free myself that way?
I can't work three jobs and pay it all off because I need time to practice, compose music, get a band together, play shows, write books, read books, edit books... Functionally I HAVE three jobs and only get paid regularly for one. That option is out.
I can try to find a better job that pays more, and I am, but that has its own series of worries. What if I find a job that tries to gouge more and more of my time from me? Forced overtime and the like can ruin everything. It's also hard to tell how likely that is. I have friends who speak of it being an eventuality and damning as such and friends who have never experienced that before. It's impossible to say.
I'm bitter. College was a mistake for me. It has been a mistake for so many. I so often wish something would just erase the debt I have. I try and hold out hope that somehow everyone who has power over this will be able to see the light and just do something good for fuck's sake and let us erase our mistakes. Fuck, I'd relinquish all my degrees in a heartbeat if it'd make my debt vanish.
Realistically... I try to look on the bright side. I live with my parents. They are superhumanly supportive of my dreams. They will not charge me rent. We live in a slightly inconvenient place but that is not the worst possible thing. I will have to just try and look at my monthly loan payments as the equivalent for rent, be thankful that I do not have to pay for food, save up my meager leftovers for a car and just keep fighting the good fight.
Still... Fucking student loan debt. I feel like such a fool. I feel fucking ashamed of myself.
I have college debt. So do a lot of people. The knowledge that I am not alone is hardly a comfort here.
I have friends who didn't go to college. They're not super wealthy but they are in many ways more free than I am or will be for the foreseeable future. Many of my debts had to be put in the name of my parents and, because of that, I can't just cry "fuck it" and ignore them like some people are doing. Even more than that, I find myself impossibly jealous of my friends who didn't go to college.
I've been trying to think of the best way to put it all night at work and I came up with this. They can fuck up and not affect anyone else but their own personal self. They can go on tour on a whim in a beat-up van and hope for the best. I have to make sure I have enough money saved up to cover monthly loan bills, make sure I can take vacation time off of work and make sure that I have a job to come back to. I hate it. I feel so fucking trapped where I am.
As soon as I graduated college, even skipping the ceremony itself, I fled to Japan and spent glorious time there playing music, exploring and being free in a language where I could only count on folks in Tokyo to be assuredly able to speak my language. It was wonderful.
I worry that I will never have that free feeling again while I am still young. I am sitting here worried about getting old stuck under a gigantic pile of debt that got me degrees that do nothing for me.
That may be harsh to say. I went to college intending to be a professor of English. I also decided to tack on History and Astrophysics degrees because I had scholarships... All those scholarships died and I was forced to pay full price. Instead of being wise and realizing that all I care about is writing novels and making music, I was stubborn and said that if I began a thing I would sure as fuck finish it. Stupid. Fucking. Mistake.
Now I'm stuck wondering how I will go about what I want. I still want music and writing. That's all I want in my life, career-wise. I don't know any other strategy to take besides to chase the dream anyway. It'll be harder by a lot but that can't stop me. I'm a fool if it stops me. Do I write a novel, sell it, spend all the money from it to try and clear my debt and free myself that way?
I can't work three jobs and pay it all off because I need time to practice, compose music, get a band together, play shows, write books, read books, edit books... Functionally I HAVE three jobs and only get paid regularly for one. That option is out.
I can try to find a better job that pays more, and I am, but that has its own series of worries. What if I find a job that tries to gouge more and more of my time from me? Forced overtime and the like can ruin everything. It's also hard to tell how likely that is. I have friends who speak of it being an eventuality and damning as such and friends who have never experienced that before. It's impossible to say.
I'm bitter. College was a mistake for me. It has been a mistake for so many. I so often wish something would just erase the debt I have. I try and hold out hope that somehow everyone who has power over this will be able to see the light and just do something good for fuck's sake and let us erase our mistakes. Fuck, I'd relinquish all my degrees in a heartbeat if it'd make my debt vanish.
Realistically... I try to look on the bright side. I live with my parents. They are superhumanly supportive of my dreams. They will not charge me rent. We live in a slightly inconvenient place but that is not the worst possible thing. I will have to just try and look at my monthly loan payments as the equivalent for rent, be thankful that I do not have to pay for food, save up my meager leftovers for a car and just keep fighting the good fight.
Still... Fucking student loan debt. I feel like such a fool. I feel fucking ashamed of myself.
no subject
Date: 2012-10-03 02:10 pm (UTC)From:I went to college for a very short time (1.5 years), and dropped out when I got a job offer. I had a small amount of debt, and paid it off relatively quickly. For years I regretted not finishing college and getting a degree, because I perceived that it was holding me back from making more money, but then a few years ago realized that I had dodged a bullet of debt that a lot of my friends were now burdened with. So, to clarify, I regretted something that actually turned out to be a good thing for me. Go luck, I suppose. XD
How long is it going to take you to pay off this debt? Any chance you can get it transferred back to you and off your parents?
I wonder if maybe someday having those degrees will end up being useful for you. Maybe your regret now could turn into a non-regret in the future like mine did... Or maybe it's just one hell of a learning experience. I swear, when we are young, no one teaches us anything about how our decisions impact us. Maybe things wouldn't turn out much different if they tried to anyway. /digress
Just remember that you are human and are allowed to make mistakes. There's probably worse ones you could make (even if that's not very reassuring).
no subject
Date: 2012-10-03 02:19 pm (UTC)From:I don't beat myself up over it all the time. Hell, there are even some days when I don't think about it at all. Every time I get a bill in the mail or an e-mail notification, though, my heart sinks. I'm suddenly reminded of the chain around my ankle.
I get that I can make mistakes. I get that this can no destroy me if I don't let it. But it's hard not to think that I should have seen all the signs that retrospect is making so clear to me that going to college was an utterly awful idea.
A friend of mine, in whom I confided this, told me that I really didn't need to worry. She said that I'd become an author eventually with enough persistence and I may only end up playing in short-lived bands in my city for the whole of my life and never again do touring but that'd be something.
A fundamental problem with me is that I hate settling for anything. That would be me admitting that I can't have my dream as I dream it to be. Admitting this may be psychologically healthy and soul-cleansing but... fuck that. I hate that. I may sound like a petulant child saying this and I make my peace with it.
Also, I am unable to transfer it to me. I wish that I could but it isn't possible. In fifteen years I will be forty. That thought is so harsh at this moment that it feels like being punched in the gut.
no subject
Date: 2012-10-03 02:39 pm (UTC)From:Fifteen years is a long time. There's nothing fun about thinking about being stuck with that mess for that long. Maybe here's where that "not settling" quality can be put to good use: if your drive is high enough, you'll be able to pursue your dreams and either pay it off early, or eventually pay it off with that same determination. If your determination is high enough, you'll accomplish your dreams AND pay that shit off, and people will be amazed at how you broke out of the monotony that everyone else faces every single day.
One thing I've been constantly learning, is that following your dreams for most people, is the hardest fucking thing you can do. Sure, some get lucky, but for most people, it's a struggle, and lots of sacrifice is likely. Not many people really sacrifice and throw their entire being into their dreams for a myriad of reasons, not limited to: fear, hopelessness, lack of motivation, lack of encouragement, no belief in themselves, circumstances of life, etc.
For better or worse, I agree with your theory on settling. Settling leads to regrets, which leads to misery, and ultimately dissatisfaction with your own life (one you chose -- how horrible). The few times I've settled in life, I have learned some of my hardest lessons, and strive not to do that ever.
That said, with not settling, comes realistic goals that actually will make you satisfied to reach. For example: Do you want to publish a book, or publish a book and sell a billion copies? My goals tend to be more of the former, and the latter is something I let fall by the wayside. Not sure how you handle it, but this works for me.
no subject
Date: 2012-10-03 10:38 pm (UTC)From:While I wouldn't turn this down if it happened, I look more towards the reasonable future of making a good living, but a living never-the-less, with both of these skills. I know people and know of people who do just this.
Dream chasing is hard. It's so hard that it's nearly fatal in some cases. That's what makes it worth it. It's never a sacrifice unless it hurts.
The sheer level of social sacrifice I have already had to make and will have to make, for instance, is something a lot of people balk at.
You seem to dig what I'm getting at, though. This makes you a groovy sort.