Oct. 4th, 2012

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What cheered me up was, in true Pittsburgh fashion, a Zombie film.

It was called Exit Humanity. Set near the end of the Civil War, it's about a man wandering the countryside of America trying to find out what's going on while grieving over the loss of his family. Like any GOOD zombie film, the undead in it were less the point and more the setting against which the characters discover themselves. It was well-acted, well-scripted and full of existential commentary on the nature of humanity. It was a dark film.

For some reason, dark media like that always cheers me up. I feel a full range of emotion watching them, thinking on the various themes and discovering part of myself in the process. My financial problems are annoying but I am alive. I have stories to tell and music to play. I have martial arts to learn and people to know along the way in what will end up being a beautifully strange life.

That truth resonates in me. My life will be off-kilter. It always has been. It'll make a lot of people shake their heads at my decisions, my thoughts, and how blatantly unashamed I am of everything that I am. This is all so true and I gain such strength from it, sometimes. In a hollowed-out world where my only company is a cold wind roaring through a hollow in the earth and I am otherwise alone with my truth, I am still me. I am still a writer and a guitarist and a mystic being.

I am whole right now. I bask in it. I can only hope that when it fades and the creeping dread returns that I remember that this is always what will return to me, given enough time.


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January 2013

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