Oct. 3rd, 2012

On Dreams

Oct. 3rd, 2012 07:09 am
ghosthound: (Default)
My thoughts turn depressing today.

I have college debt. So do a lot of people. The knowledge that I am not alone is hardly a comfort here.

I have friends who didn't go to college. They're not super wealthy but they are in many ways more free than I am or will be for the foreseeable future. Many of my debts had to be put in the name of my parents and, because of that, I can't just cry "fuck it" and ignore them like some people are doing. Even more than that, I find myself impossibly jealous of my friends who didn't go to college.

I've been trying to think of the best way to put it all night at work and I came up with this. They can fuck up and not affect anyone else but their own personal self. They can go on tour on a whim in a beat-up van and hope for the best. I have to make sure I have enough money saved up to cover monthly loan bills, make sure I can take vacation time off of work and make sure that I have a job to come back to. I hate it. I feel so fucking trapped where I am.

As soon as I graduated college, even skipping the ceremony itself, I fled to Japan and spent glorious time there playing music, exploring and being free in a language where I could only count on folks in Tokyo to be assuredly able to speak my language. It was wonderful.

I worry that I will never have that free feeling again while I am still young. I am sitting here worried about getting old stuck under a gigantic pile of debt that got me degrees that do nothing for me.

That may be harsh to say. I went to college intending to be a professor of English. I also decided to tack on History and Astrophysics degrees because I had scholarships... All those scholarships died and I was forced to pay full price. Instead of being wise and realizing that all I care about is writing novels and making music, I was stubborn and said that if I began a thing I would sure as fuck finish it. Stupid. Fucking. Mistake.

Now I'm stuck wondering how I will go about what I want. I still want music and writing. That's all I want in my life, career-wise. I don't know any other strategy to take besides to chase the dream anyway. It'll be harder by a lot but that can't stop me. I'm a fool if it stops me. Do I write a novel, sell it, spend all the money from it to try and clear my debt and free myself that way?

I can't work three jobs and pay it all off because I need time to practice, compose music, get a band together, play shows, write books, read books, edit books... Functionally I HAVE three jobs and only get paid regularly for one. That option is out.

I can try to find a better job that pays more, and I am, but that has its own series of worries. What if I find a job that tries to gouge more and more of my time from me? Forced overtime and the like can ruin everything. It's also hard to tell how likely that is. I have friends who speak of it being an eventuality and damning as such and friends who have never experienced that before. It's impossible to say.

I'm bitter. College was a mistake for me. It has been a mistake for so many. I so often wish something would just erase the debt I have. I try and hold out hope that somehow everyone who has power over this will be able to see the light and just do something good for fuck's sake and let us erase our mistakes. Fuck, I'd relinquish all my degrees in a heartbeat if it'd make my debt vanish.

Realistically... I try to look on the bright side. I live with my parents. They are superhumanly supportive of my dreams. They will not charge me rent. We live in a slightly inconvenient place but that is not the worst possible thing. I will have to just try and look at my monthly loan payments as the equivalent for rent, be thankful that I do not have to pay for food, save up my meager leftovers for a car and just keep fighting the good fight.

Still... Fucking student loan debt. I feel like such a fool. I feel fucking ashamed of myself.

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ghosthound

January 2013

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