Sep. 30th, 2012

ghosthound: (Default)
I'm in a bit of a ranty mood. Be warned.

I've been subject to a fair bit of scorn within the last twenty four hours regarding functionally every aspect of me or life decision I've made in the last two years. This has come from a few different people and seems to come together into a great big tumult of "fuck you and everything you stand for" directed at me.

Firstly, we have my life choices. The decision to seek out the dual dreams of being an author AND a career musician seem to rub people the wrong way. This is especially true if you aren't ashamed of it. I can't tell you how many people I meet who are outright offended when you tell them what you're doing with your life and it doesn't fit with that they think is the right path for a person. "What do you mean you don't want a conventional career?" they ask, "how can you not care about making more money?"

In answer to those, and other, questions I try to respond reasonably. I can't have a career properly, I tell them, because I need plenty of time EVERY SINGLE DAY for writing fiction, composing and recording music, practicing the fucking guitar and reading books. I need those things or I will not move forward in my arts which are the most important things to me at this point in my life. If I had a job that demanded me to spend overtime, suck up to bosses, play a company hierarchy game outside of the workplace all for the chance of possibly moving up the corporate ladder, I would have far less time for those things. There's nothing wrong in my mind with seeking this out if it's what you want. I don't judge you for it. Don't judge me for not being interested.

It's also not like I don't work. I work between 32 and 40 hours a week at a warehouse. If I didn't have to do this both for health insurance and to actually have income, you can bet I wouldn't. I'd have more time for my art. That'd be fucking lovely. That's not in the cards at this point. That said, I can't tell you how many people I meet who think that just because I'm an artist I must be unemployed and a leech on society somehow. It frustrates me just as much as people who think artists of any stripe don't actually "work" for a living. You ever struggle with creative block? I'd rather have to fight and kill an MMA fighter with my own hands.

I went into this dream-chasing expecting this to happen sometimes. I didn't expect people to be so vehemently hateful of my choices. I keep being told that I have to settle down, find a wife I can "take care of", move forward in a respectable career and get ready to start a family. There's nothing wrong with any of these things. That said, I want to do none of them. Exactly none of them. I've got other plans. I wish people would just respect that instead of gawking at my generally pleasant disposition when I say "nah, not my attitude."

Not that I'd turn down a better-paying job if one magically appeared and still let me have enough time to pursue my dreams. That'd be lovely, actually. The only problem would be trying to disguise the truth (I just want to be a cog in your machine who is inevitably forgotten, not asked to do much and collects pay raises secretly) from what I'd actually say (gosh do I want a company I can grow with, derp derp) during a job interview.

Another gripe of mine is that nobody seems to just let me be in terms of my sexuality. To put it simply, your genitals are all groovy by me. I'd say bisexual but in recent days I've found this more limited since I've met more people who view themselves as genderless. My problem, though, is that it seems that straight people don't understand what that means for me, gay men are bothered by the fact that I could also find women physically attractive and call me "straight acting" for not being overly camp. My straight male friends assume I'm fantasizing about plowing them and my gay male friends balk whenever they remember that I am also rather fond of people who do not identify as male. I can't win.

The most frustrating part of not being able to win a game is knowing that said game doesn't matter to you.

My sexuality isn't there to cater to anyone. It's also a relatively minor factor in my life compared to my hopes, dreams, ideas, artistic expressions and the like. Does it bother me that some people view people like me as outright broken or fundamentally damned creatures? You bet it does. Do I make crusading for my sexuality to be known by everyone on this planet as soon as they meet me a priority? No. I have far too many more important things to worry about.

End. Rant.


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